Hopefully None Will Be As Annoying As That Fairplay Person

Another season of reality TV is nearly upon us. Now begins the difficult process of trying to get to know all the myriad survivors, apprenti, racers, big losers, and the like. To help you along, I have scoured the internets and prepared the first in a series of contestant guides. I will tell you who you will hate, who you will despise, who you will be annoyed with, and who, just possibly, you might like a little tiny bit.

We will start with the granddaddy of them all, Survivor.




BRIAN, Ivy League Student (22): All you need to know about him is that his favorite color is deep teal, his favorite alcoholic drink is N/A, and he thinks he can be the sole survivor because “I have studied the game since I was 17 and have written papers on the subject.” Most likely, he will be voted off the first week.

BRIANNA, Retail Sales, Make-Up Artist (21): I will let the obvious, awkward subtext of the following paragraph speak for itself. “After high school, Brianna moved to San Diego, California to experience something new. She became interested in cosmetics and, six months later, returned to Edmonds, Washington where she currently works as a make-up artist at an upscale department store.” Hee.

DANNI, Sports Radio Talk Show Host (30): Let’s see. International model. Miss Teen USA contestant. Miss USA contestant. Voted one of the “100 Most Beautiful Women” [from where, I do not know]. Star Search spokesmodel. Her thing? Being hot.

CINDY, Zookeeper (31): I know, I know. The zookeeping bit sounds promising. BUT she has a twin sister named “Mindy” and her favorite movies are Phenomenon, Nell, AI, Powder, Michael, Sea Biscuit, City of Angels, Moonstruck, and Far and Away. She likes treacle and John Travolta. Ew.

BRANDON, Farmer/Rancher (22): His favorite magazines are Four-Wheeler and Playboy, and his proudest accomplishment is once climbing to the top of a radio tower. I think that about sums him up.

JAMIE, Water Ski Instructor (24): Oh, good lord. This dude’s favorite scent is hay, his favorite drink is vodka and diet coke, and he describes himself as having an “uncanny ability to read and connect with people.” AND he has a twin brother named RAMIE. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have identified our token tool.

BROOKE, Law Student (26): Hm. Political science major. Americorps volunteer. Has lived abroad in Spain and England. Grew up on a farm. Has a collie. Likes computer card games, running, Scrubs, Ewan McGregor, Mark Twain, and merlot. I got nothing. She seems kind of cool. I have failed you.

BLAKE, Commercial Real Estate Broker/Model (24): Oh, poor Blake. I get the feeling already that he’s going to try really hard but end up being just a little bit too dim. His favorite movies are The Rock and Old School, and he likes people who “get off their butt [sic] and make their dreams happen.”

LYDIA, Fishmonger (42): Seems cool. Fishmonger is a neat word. She lived in Japan, Puerto Rico, and Germany before settling in Washington. Her favorite movie is the Japanese version of Shall We Dance. She is a fan of Stockard Channing. Oh… wait. Oh, dear. Her favorite survivor ever is Rupert. She is dead to me now.

JUDD, Hotel Doorman (34): We’ll start with the fact that his full name is Judd Sergeant IV. We will proceed with the fact that he has a 34-year-old twin brother named “Timmy.” And we will conclude by noting that his favorite TV show is Growing Up Gotti, his favorite movie is Less Than Zero, and his favorite snack is Funyuns [barf].

MORGAN, Magician’s Assistant/Waitress (21): Speaking of barf. Morgan is proudest of “getting paid gigs as a dancer despite having no technical training.” And her greatest accomplishment is “allowing [her parents] to live vicariously through her as she performs, competes, and travels to new and exciting places.” Oh, and she weighs approximately 3.6 pounds.

JIM, Retired Fire Captain (63): Jim’s thing is being old. He likes light jazz and cold rolled oatmeal and “enjoys golf and building and repairing things.” I suspect that he won’t much get along with all “the kids” and their crazy ways. Not that anyone should get along with Morgan or Jamie.

RAFE, Ivy League Student (22): Yes, another “Ivy League Student.” Amazingly enough, this one may be even more annoying. His mother is an artist and his father is an inventor. Need more information? OK. He is proud of his ability to play Ode to Joy on the piano with his toes and believes that “you haven’t really experienced a place unless you’ve slept on the ground and woken up to the sunrise there.” I guess I have never experienced a place.

MARGARET, Family Nurse Practitioner (43): “She spends every week at the Lake County Free Medical Clinic of NE Ohio. Together with other community professionals, she provides health care to families who otherwise could not afford it.” You might think that it would be hard for me to hate her after reading that. You would be wrong. She likes the music of UB40 and her favorite movie is Pearl Harbor. Enough said.

AMY, Police Sergeant (39): Amy really likes softball. And the Red Sox. And The Prince of Tides. I’m not quite sure how to put all of that together.

GARY, Ex-NFL Quarterback/Real Estate Developer (47): One would think that the ex-NFL quarterback thing would mean much hilarity and annoyance, but he doesn’t seem that bad. He volunteers as a high school football and basketball coach. He has four kids, one dog, one cat, and three horses. He likes Louis L’Amour quite a lot. It may not be my thing, but he seems sort of cool.

So, based on my initial impressions, the only possible people to like are Brooke and Gary. As for a winner, I have no idea, but I guess I’ll pick Rafe. Young men typically do terribly at Survivor, but I’ll go out on a limb.