I Actually Kind of Miss the Bowling Moms

Time for Round Two of the Reality TV Fall 2005 preview. It will come as no surprise to most of you reading this that I love The Amazing Race. Colin’s broken ox. Charla’s hunk of meat. Millie’s utter exhaustion. Rob’s evil strategeries. Good times, good times.

That said, this season troubles me. First off, it’s TAR: Family Edition. And as cold-hearted as I may seem at times, not even I can get behind laughing at the misery of eight-year-olds. Second, there’s the apparent fact that the entire thing is taking place in North America. Hm. There’s nothing wrong with North America, but part of the joy of the show is seeing these people deal with taxi cab drivers in China and the like. Racing through Baltimore? Not as exciting.

And then there are the teams. They all seem like unfortunate combinations of boring and annoying. I’m holding out hope, but as you will read below, things seem bleak.



GAGHAN FAMILY (CT): This family of four claims to have been cast because they are an “all-American family” and are all very photogenic and good to look at. Barf. The son, Billy (12), has the look of a kid who loves his Gameboy. And the daughter, Carissa (9), wants to do the show so that she’ll be popular at school. Oh, and the parents make their nine-year-old daughter run 5K races.

SCHROEDER FAMILY (LA): Oh boy, these people are going to be a problem. Another family of four. The father, Mark, is “admittedly arrogant and confident” – which is always code for “I’m an asshole and I don’t care that you know it.” He is also apparently not aware that it is very creepy to describe your own daughter as a “future Bond girl.” The entire family expects to win America over with their “inside jokes and goofiness” and by “aggressively rolling over other teams.”

AIELLO FAMILY (MA): Yawn. This team is made up of a father and his three sons-in-law. The obvious problem with them is that they think they are funny… but they are not. The big jokes in their pre-race interview? That the sons are going to have to be “on their best behavior” around their father-in-law [uproarious laughter among the four] and that “it’s too bad the girls aren’t along… they’d be better looking!” [more uproarious laughter].

ROGERS FAMIY (LA): Where to start? Daughter Brittney (22) is “sassy” and is a former Miss Louisiana (and is named "Brittney"). Her contribution to the team is that she “brings fun to the table.” Mother Renee (42) works as a beauty pageant trainer. Great. And the entire family claims to have been chosen because they are “so different.” How are they different? They’re “real competitive.”

BLACK FAMILY (VA): The Black family is, well… the one black family on the race. And they all compete competitively in Tae Kwon Do. On the whole, despite having the youngest racer (eight-year-old Austin), they do seem somewhat endearing. The only obvious problems are that they start their interview with a group “Hi-ya!” and that they are all wearing matching tie-dye shirts.

WEAVER FAMILY (FL): This is a tough one. The family is a mother and her three children (including 14-year-old “Rolly”). The father/husband died two years ago in an accident at the Daytona International Speedway. And they are doing the race “to alleviate the heartbreak.” This is sad, so I can’t really make fun of them; but I will say that constant references to the sad situation could grow immensely tiresome.

LINZ FAMILY (OH): This team is made up of three brothers and a sister – two of whom go to the suspicious-sounding “Miami University of Ohio.” They start their interview with a group cheer and a claim to be “so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o crazy.” I will give them points, though, for admitting that what they fear most on the race is “losing to an eight-year-old.” Hee.

BRANSEN FAMILY (IL): Papa Bransen and his three daughters once appeared together in a Pert commercial. I can’t really get a read on these people. Boring? Maybe. I do, however, like the fact that the father only agreed to apply because he was sure that they wouldn’t be selected.

PAOLO FAMILY (NY): Oh, dear. They are SO going to be the first team eliminated. As with all bad teams, they claim that their greatest strength is that the other teams are going to underestimate them. Basically, their suckiness is their secret weapon. The youngest son, Brian (16) claims to be “painfully embarrassed” by the rest of his family, including 24-year-old DJ, who works in title report production (?).

GODLEWSKI FAMILY (IL): Four sisters. For whatever reason, I kind of like them. I think this liking was cemented when the older sister spontaneously shushed her younger sibling. It seemed real.

That’s it. Obviously, the Linz family is going to win. I believe I will be cheering for the Godlewskis and the Blacks, though.