Advanced Notice Run Amok

Honestly, now.

I have lived in my apartment for all of three months. And I have signed a one-year lease ending next August 15. Obviously, there is still a long time until August 15.

Nonetheless, I have already received a SECOND notice from my rental company asking me to indicate whether or not I will be renewing my lease for the 2006-2007 year. And while it’s true that I know already that I will not be renewing, it is just a little bit ridiculous to ask people to make these decisions a full NINE months before their current lease ends.

Boo, rental company!

I have read elsewhere that Bill O’Reilly is publishing an official list of his enemies. I find this highly amusing for many reasons, but I will note here that were I to compose a list of my own, Madison rental companies would feature prominently (although several steps below Madison U-Haul “companies”).

Law & Order is Ruining My Life

As many of you know, I was a late convert to the whole Law & Order thing.

For many years, all I knew about the show was that I hated the bum-bum business and I hated that opening credits shot I always saw of the cast walking down the hallway together. They’re all walking in a straight line. And laughing just a tiny bit. It all seemed so forced and false, and that’s what I assumed the show itself was like (I’ve never claimed to be one against judging a book by its cover).

Then I actually watched the now-beloved L&O.

And of course I became a complete addict and started relishing the fact that if one has cable, some version of L&O is available for at least 18 hours out of any given 24 hour period. Much like shows with people hitting themselves with sledgehammers (or some such thing) on MTV.

So obviously this silly show about the two opposite and equal parts of the criminal justice system is ruining my life simply by distracting me from more worthy pursuits. Like blogging.

But it turns out that there is a more serious problem.

While talking to my cousins about cars and such over Thanksgiving weekend, I said something about my general disdain for the gas-guzzling nature of SVUs.

Trust me. There’s nothing that ruins your credibility with a certain crowd like confusing Sports Utility Vehicles with Special Victims Units. And sadly, this is NOT (REALLY not) the first time this has happened to me recently.

Truly embarrassing. And one of the worst bits is it makes it harder for me to mock one of my students who confused “mercenaries” with “missionaries” throughout an entire recent paper. Harder to mock, but certainly not impossible to mock.

Y'all Ain't Ready

Some things are almost too perfect to be true.

No, I’m not talking about raindrops or a child’s innocence or anything Smurfy like that. I’m talking about Tom Cruise jumping on a couch.

Or Bai Ling writhing on the floor non-singing “Like a Virgin.”

Or that completely bat-shit crazy woman from Trading Spouses this week. [Seriously. If you somehow didn’t see this woman in action, you have missed one FABULOUS moment of surrealism.]

The newest addition to the list of perfect things, though, is clearly Kevin Federline’s new rap single.

Ah, K-Fed. I thought you had reached your peak of ridiculousness when wore your ankle-rubbing cargo shorts and stained wifebeater for the third straight month. Or when you turned Brit-Brit from a temptress virgin diva to a cheeto-eating stepmother. But no. This week you gave the world “Y’all Ain’t Ready.”

Here are some lyrics:

“I know you wish you was in my position
Cuz I keep gettin’ into situations
That you wish you wuz in, cousin
I'm not your brother, not your uncle, I'm daddy, dude
Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue

But I know that you really can't wait
Cuz people are always askin' me when's the release date?
Well maybe baby you can wait and see
Until then, all these Pavarottis following me
Gettin' anxious, go take a peek, I'm starring in your magazine now every day of the week.”

Perfect, isn’t it? From his clarification that he is not my uncle (darn) to his apparently intense fear of stalking opera singers. Perfection across the board.

I have nothing to add. I am thoroughly amused.

The Great Hiatus

I've been a bad, bad blogger.

But I'm here to inform you that the Great Blogging Hiatus of '05 is nearing completion. And the timing is good, since there is much to discuss.

I will soon be convincing you to watch Veronica Mars.

And I will be seeking your support in giving up MTV once and for all.

And I will be regaling you with tales from my job interview process. Preview: STRESS.

I'll be back soon!