Pure Hilarity

OK. You know how certain GOP-ers are constantly telling us that the media only tell the bad news in Iraq? And how the discovery of 40 decapitated bodies is not newsworthy? And how, apparently, if a car bomb were to go off in Manhattan, the media should cover a new water plant opening in New Jersey (or puppy being born in Rhode Island) instead? [Side note – the parallel argument would be complaining that Fox News should only be covering all of the blonde-haired 19-year-olds who AREN’T abducted. Bias!]

Well, one GOP candidate decided to do something about it! He went to Iraq, took pictures of peaceful, peaceful Baghdad, and posted them on his website. “See? SEE?!?!? Baghdad is perfectly peaceful. Everything is great. The war has been an unqualified success. Liberals just want the terrorists to win.”

Except… well, he fibbed a bit. Hilariously, it has been discovered that the pictures are actually of a suburb in Istanbul and not Baghdad at all. Dude had to post photos of an entirely different country to make his case. Funny.

See the photos (with commentary and helpful arrows) at talkingpointsmemo.

Project: Find a Project

After the only slightly qualified successes of Project Favorite Drink and Project Vegetable last year (and many projects in prior years), I am currently in search of a new project for the new season.

So far, I am considering the following:

Project Learn a Martial Art: Could be fun, but I don’t even know enough about martial arts to have any idea about which martial art I would pick. Also, I have absolutely no desire to kick/punch anyone or be kicked/punched by anyone. Nor do I really want to kick or punch at all. Really, I mainly just like the idea of doing a martial art.

Project Try to Like Baseball: I have a theory that one’s likes and dislikes are to a substantial degree determined by the effort one puts into them. By this theory, the only reason I currently find baseball mind-blowingly dull (both in person and on television) is that I haven’t yet put enough work into liking it. The same could well apply to golf and cats.

Project Cleanse My System: I admit to being intrigued by all of those two-week diets where you eat nothing but juice or carrots or something and allegedly empty your body of all impurities and have moments of complete clarity. Might be an intriguing experiment. And it would be a real test of my will (or lack thereof). Especially since the diet would probably disallow coffee (a.k.a. life-giving nectar).

Project Bake Much Bread: To complement my soup project of yore, it might be nice to learn the fine art of bread baking. But I’m not sure I have the patience. Or the capacity to eat very much bread. And I’m a little afraid of turning into Daniel Day-Lewis and eventually fleeing to Italy to pretentiously make shoes for a decade.

Project Learn the Espanol: I happily gave up the Spanish language after my freshman year at Olaf, but I still kind of regret it. But I’m not sure I like the idea of a project that involves studying (especially since last year’s project involved drinking).

No decision yet, but I will continue to ponder.

I Did a Bad [Though Arguably Good] Thing

When trying to log onto my Netflix account on a library computer yesterday, some random dude’s account came up instead. A random dude who was really into In Living Color. Hee.

Really, how could I resist?

I took the opportunity to erase both The Stepford Wives and Bewitched from his queue. And I view this erasing as a public service of sorts. What I should have done, though, is added a couple of actually good movies and shot them to the top of the list.

And Not a Moment Too Soon

Some say that the first sign of spring is a robin in one’s midst. Or a new spring-y scent in the air. Or something or other about the shadow of a mostly-blind rodent.

I, however, know better.

The surest sign that spring has arrived is when the frat boys on my block begin playing their inane beanbag game on the sidewalk at all hours of the day and night.

Let it be known that spring is indeed here.

Special Offer For You, My Friend

Move over Television Preview and Nigerian lotteries, we have a new scam!

I received a letter today from Sigma Alpha Lambda, “a National Leadership and Honors Organization.” Apparently, my “academic achievements throughout [my] course of undergraduate studies demonstrate exemplary performance that has placed [me] among a select group of students at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.”

All of this “based on [my] nomination by the local Chapter at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.”

To accept this nomination and become a member, all I need to do is complete the “enclosed membership profile.” Oh, and also send a check for $58.00 – to cover my lifetime membership fee.

Hee.

A Very Long Day

Star Tribune says: “Heaviest March snowfall in more than two years.” “30 miles [yes, miles] of parking lot east of Hudson.” “Three-foot drifts on the interstate.”

OleNelson says: “Lovely day for a drive.”

Yes, Timmy H. and I attempted the drive from Minneapolis to Madison this morning/afternoon/evening/night. And after five and a half hours of driving, we had reached Hudson.

For those of you not familiar with the route, if this

[*****************************************************]

is the distance between Minneapolis and Madison, then this

[***]

is the distance between Minneapolis and Hudson. We spent one two-hour block of time in park on the interstate.

Truly the worst roads I have ever encountered.

Not Everyone Can Get An A+

My God, do I hate handing back exams.

I hate the overly-polite sucking up prior to the exam hand-back. I hate the deer-caught-in-headlights faces of dread in the midst of the hand-back. And, of course, I hate the trembly lips and fast blinking that follow the hand-back.

The problem is that every student is disappointed. Especially those that did well. “Why did he write ‘Excellent’ instead of ‘Superb’? Aren’t I smart enough to deserve a SUPERB???” That sort of thing.

More and more I understand why professors are sometimes inclined to just leave graded exams and papers in a big pile outside their office door. I used to think it was lazy, but for me it would be a means of emotional coping.

Again: Student Crying = OleNelson Crying. Always.

Kids These Days…

Do NOT know how to use apostrophes. The following comes from a paper I recently graded.

“A states power is best calculated by it’s economy and the states military when compared to that of other state’s.”

Shudder. That sentence literally caused me to convulse in my chair when I first read it. I could hardly stand to type it myself just now.

Seriously? The Pimp Song Won?

Kind of a dull Oscars, wasn’t it? Jon Stewart was most certainly not funny. Everyone was on their best behavior. Only Cloons gave a somewhat interesting/amusing/charming acceptance speech. Well, the pimp dudes too, I suppose.

And I also lost my Oscar throne. Yes, I came in third this year. Not only did I miss the pimp win, but I went with my heart (MISTAKE!) and chose not to vote for stupid King Kong in either of the sound categories. Damn you, Franz! And B-lish!

I did, though, grow curious regarding the supposed Oscar curse. What does the future hold for current winners Reese and Phillip Seymour? Will there be a The Core or a Catwoman in their immediate future?

So I did some research.

For each of the Best Actor/Actress winners over the past ten years, I averaged the Rotten Tomatoes scores for their first three follow-up films. The overall average of all actor/actresses is 56% fresh. Not bad, I suppose. There is, though, a gender disparity, with the Actors averaging 60% and the Actresses averaging 52%.

Here are some of the individual scores:

Top Three Men:
1. Tom Hanks (95%)
2. Russell Crowe (82%)
3. Geoffrey Rush (68%)

Bottom Three Men:
1. Roberto Benigni (31%)
2. Kevin Spacey (32%)
3. Adrien Brodey (43%)

Top Three Women:
1. Susan Sarandon (63%)
2. Helen Hunt (61%)
3. Nicole Kidman (61%)

Bottom Three Women:
1. Charlize Theron (32%)
2. Francis McDormand (40%)
3. Jessica Lange (50%)

Limbaugh Logic

Glutton-for-punishment as always, I listened to a little Rush while grading this afternoon. And even I was shockingly amused by the twists of logic he has been forced to employ to defend recent events.

On the Dubai port deal:

1. Bush is a near-ideal president.
2. Bush pays attention to things that are important.
3. Bush did not pay attention to the Dubai port deal.
4. Therefore, the Dubai port deal is not important.


On the recent CBS poll showing Bush’s approval at an all-time low of 34%:

1. The poll was made up of 27% Republicans, 40% Democrats, and 33% Independents [Rush’s numbers – I didn’t look them up myself].
2. Independents are people too cowardly to pick a side.
3. Democrats are Liberals by definition.
4. Liberals are cowards by definition.
5. Therefore, Independents [cowards] and Democrats [cowards] are both Liberals [cowards].
6. Therefore, the poll was actually made up of 27% Republics and 73% Liberals.
7. Therefore, Bush’s 34% approval is an enormous victory – because it shows that even Liberals are supporting him.

HEEEEEE!