Conversation With Myself While Waiting For The Elevator

“Coffee. Check. iPod. Check. Lunchtime banana. Che… Wait – did I remember to lock my door two seconds ago?”

“Of course you locked the door, self. You always lock the door. And then you always allow yourself to play these ridiculous mental games. For once in your life exercise some trust. You. Locked. The. Door.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure I locked the door. But it would probably be better to just walk back the twenty feet and double check.”

“NO! We are not double checking! No more double checking! Have faith!”

“OK, fine.” [eyeroll at self]

Nine hours later I return to find… my door unlocked. Sigh.

Have YOU Communed with Satan Today?

Quote from Bill O’Reilly: "Now, this is a conservative city, Richmond. I mean, this is not Madison, Wisconsin, where you expect those people to be communing with Satan up there in the Madison, Wisconsin, media."

I should note that I have been reading several conservative columnists with very reasonable positions on the War Against Christmas and similar issues. Cal Thomas, for instance.

In the midst of O'Reilly's and such, it's easy to forget how compelling a reasonable conservative position can be.

On Hypothetical Vegan Hamburgers

So while shopping for eggnog ingredients yesterday, I came across a package of “Vegetarian Eggs.” The basic idea was that these eggs came from happy cage-free roaming chickens. No animals were harmed. The eggs were merely found and packaged for your convenience.

This got me thinking.

Could vegans eat these eggs? If the chickens truly were non-owned, roaming birds, wouldn’t their gathered leftover eggs be vegan-riffic? How would this violate vegan principles regarding the exploitation and harm of animals?

So wouldn’t any animal product that fell rather clearly on the “gathering” side of the “hunting and gathering” divide be open game for vegans? I think I’m onto something. Perhaps I can be the pioneer that finally allows a vegan to eat a real cookie again.

Faith in Humanity: 1; Faith in Self: 0

On the first point, my purloined corkscrew has finally been returned! The mysterious neighbor who materialized to borrow it a week ago finally left it with an accompanying note. The note made frequent use of the words “dude” and “bro.” And I don’t believe irony was involved. So perhaps I should change the “Faith in Humanity” score to ½.

As for the other point, I looked at that Rate-Your-Professors site yesterday. It’s this independent thing where students, disgruntled or otherwise, can write reviews of their professors to encourage or ward off future class-seekers.

I was not featured directly. However, within a review of a professor I had TA-ed for, I was clearly referenced. “Good class yada, yada. Professor X really good yada, yada. OleNelson the TA, though, was a bit of a diva.”

WHAT? A DIVA? I’m… stumped. Although someone suggested last night that I was only distressed because I knew it was 5% true. Humph.

A Few Words on THE WAR AGAINST CHRISTMAS!!!

This silly “War on Christmas” business has officially made my list. Let me tell you why.

First and most importantly, the argument is based on two completely contradictory pillars. The O’Reilly-ites making their case have to suggest both that (a) the Christian community in America is an oppressed minority whose rights to practice their faith are being taken away by a secularist majority and (b) America is a Christian nation, with Christian roots and a current Christian majority, and should thus celebrate this continuing heritage.

If you listen to the people waging the war against “The War Against Christmas,” you’ll hear them take both of these positions simultaneously. Christians are a minority. Christians are a majority. You can’t have it both ways, folks.

Second, whatever the argumentative basis, I have heard very little evidence indicating any sort of “war” against Christmas. What do we have? Some “Christmas trees” in public places being referred to as “holiday trees.” And W. sending out “Happy Holidays” cards instead of “Merry Christmas” cards. THAT’S the war??? When pressed, the advocates of the war against the war will cite “this one school in Indiana where schoolchildren couldn’t sing Silent Night” or something. But for the most part, not a whole lot of evidence. And let us remember that Christmas IS still a NATIONAL HOLIDAY. A very devious and indirect war against Christmas this is!

Finally, in the midst of all the blustering about the war against Christmas, other issues are still swirling around. We are deciding as a nation whether or not we should use torture as an interrogation technique. We are realizing that victims in both Pakistan and New Orleans haven’t received nearly the post-disaster aid that they have been promised. And we have now been confronted with another difficult case of capital punishment in California. Do you hear the “War Against Christmas”-ites discussing any of these issues? No. But to me, these are the true Christian issues of the day.

Things I Hate

1. Mornings and winter. Obviously.

2. The phrase “there are only two types of people in the world: X and Y.” I most recently encountered its uselessness in this form: “I think the world is evenly divided between people who read these books as children and those who didn’t.” So useless! The problem is that the sayer of the phrase always thinks she is making a grand philosophical claim. However, all that is happening is the mere statement of a logical fact. Yes, people either did or did not read about Narnia as children. By itself this means nothing! Yes, people either prefer dogs over cats or they prefer cats over dogs. What does this mean? NOTHING!

3. Fawning magazine profiles. The problem here is that these pieces are almost always carbon copies of each other. Just replace “King King” with “Narnia,” add a joke about wardrobes and fauns, and you’re done! Was it a challenge to get your movie made? Indeed, it was! Were you nervous about the famous actors/children on the set, even though you found them to be inspirations in the end? You bet! I’ll summarize the rest. “Blah, blah, blah, journey. Blah, blah, blah, “I don’t care if my vision makes any money [lie].” Blah, blah, blah “Of course, [actor] isn’t nearly the asshole [he/she] seems!”

The only real pleasure of these things is finding the occasional thinly-veiled slam. For example, the Narnia director on why he replaced Brian Cox with Liam Neeson at the last minute. “I’m a huge fan of Brian, and that’s what got in the way.” HEE! Also, bu-u-u-u-u-urn.

4. Live reality TV reunion shows. Survivor ended last night. And it was satisfying. But the stupid reunion show was as painful as always. For whatever reason, the contestants always look so much less attractive having bathed and eaten. And you quickly discover that whatever wit they displayed on the show was significantly aided by the magic of editing. Sad.

Songs #6-10

See songs #1-5 below.

6. The Decemberists, “The Mariner’s Revenge Song”

I’m not generally a “lyrics person.” If I like the sound of a song, I may never even get around to figuring out what the mumbling lead singer is talking about.

However, songs like Elton John’s “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” present a weird exception to this rule. Song? Schmaltzy and terrible. Overall lyrics? Schmaltzy and terrible. Use of the word “vagabond”? ABSOLUTELY fantastic.

All of this to say that “The Mariner’s Revenge Song” contains not just one word that I find highly amusing in the right context, but a whole plethora of such words and phrases. Mariner. Belly of a whale. Lad of eighteen. Rake and a roustabout (!). Debonair. A poor consumptive wretch. Your gambling arrears. Magistrate. Urchins. Priory. Vestry. Muskets.

Not to mention the fact that the song features our protagonist’s dying mother pleading, “Find him. Find him. Tie him to a pole and break/His fingers to splinters. Drag him to a hole until he/Wakes up naked/Clawing at the ceiling/Of his grave.”

Ooooh. Hilarious verbiage AND vicious revenge. Love it.


7. Eels, “Things the Grandchildren Should Know”

Like the album as a whole, this song is more than just a little bit depressing. It is, after all, about a reclusive shut-in who is afraid of meeting people when he walks his dog and is just now realizing that he has taken on the very worst qualities of his now-dead father. Not a picker-upper.

Nevertheless, I read it as having a sheen of hope. “So in the end I’d like to say that I’m a very thankful man. I tried to make the most of my situations. And enjoyed what I had. I knew true love and I knew passion. And the difference between the two. And I had some regrets. But if I had to do it all again? Well, that’s something I’d like to do.” This dude is unhappy. But in the end, he concludes that life hasn’t been all that bad. Rationalization? Perhaps. But there’s something about the sentiment that I find immensely hopeful and beautiful.

And, for whatever reason, I always like my songs and movies to be less-than-perky.


8. Mariah Carey, “We Belong Together”

Boy, am I going to take some heat for this one. But the song (and Mariah’s whole thing this year) is just such a glorious slap in the face to the Lohans, Hiltons, Duffs, and Spears-Federlines of our pop world. “You want to see diva? I’ll show you diva,” Mariah seems to be saying. And diva she does.


9. Bruce Springsteen, “Reno”

In many ways this is probably not one of my favorite songs of the year. It and the whole album were quite nice, but not exactly things to write home about.

However, what puts Bruce over the edge is the fact that this song alone made Starbucks cancel their exclusive early contract with Springsteen. Ouch.

But did this cause Bruce to flinch and take out the offending lines? No, it did not. Do I suspect that MANY other artists would have so flinched? Yes, I do.


10. Ben Folds, “Gracie”

This song made my mom well up. And even cynical me is allowed one pretty little lullaby.


Other worthy contenders:

The White Stripes, “Take, Take, Take”
Wolf Parade, “I’ll Believe in Anything”
The New Pornographers, “Sing Me the Spanish Techno”
My Morning Jacket, “Gideon”
Death Cab for Cutie, “Soul Meets Body”
Death Cab for Cutie, “Someday You Will Be Loved”
Common, “Testify”

Grammy Nominations: Not Entirely Terrible

Obviously, as these are the Grammy’s, the nominations are mostly terrible.

But I must give a limited amount of R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Lots of nominations for Kanye and for John Legend, for instance. In fact four out of the five Record of the Year noms are quite respectable: Gold Digger (K. West), Boulevard of Broken Dreams (G. Day), Feel Good Inc. (Gorillaz), and We Belong Together (M. Carey).

The biggest problem, however, lies in the fifth choice for Record of the Year. A choice that is purely B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

God. Stupid Gwen Stefani. I used to like her. But I simply cannot abide that terrible pirate/Fiddler on the Roof song (nor can I abide the notion that there even IS a “pirate/Fiddler on the Roof” song). And I HATE the nominated “Hollaback Girl.” Like her, it is the essence of faux.

There are, of course, many other terrible nominations (I’m looking in your urine-stained direction, Black-Eyed Peas!). More noteworthy, however, is the unintentional humor of some of the lesser categories. For instance, there is an entire award for “Best Surround Sound Album.” Huh?

And the nominees for “Best Hawaiian Music Album (vocal or instrumental)” are as follows: “Slack Key Dreams of the Ponomoe”; “Kiho’alu – Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar”; “Slack Key Guitar: The Artistry of Sonny Lim”; and “Masters of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar: Volume 1.”

Hee. I would be mighty pissed were I an established Hawaiian acoustic guitarist.

King Kanye

I love lists. And I ESPECIALLY love end-of-the-year best-of lists.

With no further introduction, I present you with the first half of my “Top Ten Songs of 2005.” Fret not. There are even more embarrassing admissions to come in the second half.

1. Kanye West, “Gold Digger”

Do I even need to defend this choice? The song is simply hilarious. There is chanting in favor of prenups. There is making fun of Usher. There is rhyming “Geico” with “lypo” with “Tyco.” For me, this song is undoubtedly the “Hey Ya” of 2005. And accordingly, I give Mr. “George-Bush-hates-black-people” top honors for the second year in a row.

2. Sufjan Stevens, “Chicago”/“John Wayne Gacy, Jr.”/“The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts”/“The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us”

I can’t seem to come up with anything to write that does justice to these songs. If you haven’t already, just go out and buy the damn album! Listen to it several times. At least once while drinking red wine and longing for your hometown or your misspent youth. And then send me a nasty note if these haunting songs haven’t touched your soul at least a tiny bit.

I anticipate zero nasty notes.

3. Bright Eyes, “Landlocked Blues”

“If you walk away, I’ll walk away.” A song about leaving. About leaving a person, a relationship, a world, a war. About freeing oneself from the “shackles of language and measurable time.” Freedom always comes with a price, and this song makes me want to break out more red wine and ponder that problem more thoroughly.

4. Stars, “Your Ex-Lover Is Dead”

This pairs nicely with the Bright Eyes song, as it is about the happenstance reunion between two people who long ago chose to walk away from each other. As such, it’s both pretty and a little bit unsettling. And really, that’s precisely what I’m looking for in the art I love.

5. 50 Cent & The Game, “Hate It or Love It”

This song is a bit… different from my previous three selections. But when you’re a white boy who would secretly like to be a gansta for a day, you need one or two of these in your iPod. And 50’s (or “fiddy’s”) arrogant swagger can be a surprisingly refreshing break after too many soulful singer-songwriters. You just know that, given the proper opportunity, 50 would kick the collective asses of everyone ever nominated for a “Best Indie Rock” Grammy (or featured on pitchforkmedia.com). And I find that the littlest bit amusing. Shame on me.